What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

note: I had to rewrite it..

I didn’t understand it before, and I don’t understand it still.

Every one belongs to every one else. The Savage has nothing to lose, so why is he so opposed to it? Is there something about me that’s so unappealing? Bernard rejected me at first as well, but finally relented after taking soma. Four pills, but nonetheless. And I thought for sure he was attracted to me before that as well, otherwise why would he invite me to the Reservation? Maybe it’s not something on my face, but rather my body..? Maybe I just have horrible taste in zippicamiknicks..

But more than that, why am I so stuck on John? Fanny mentioned it before, and I myself hadn’t been aware of it until she pointed it out. I don’t know why I can’t move past him. Although, …he is incredibly attractive has such a beautiful body on top of that. I can’t help but want him. I crave him. It’s a desire I cannot suppress even after his cruel reactions.

Every time he rejects me, strange unsettled feeling lingers in me. There’s a cold sweat in my palms when he walks away, and a pressure in my lungs. But it was never so serious that some soma couldn’t fix. Eventually it became a pattern. He would reject me or ignore me, and I would just take soma to wash it off. I tried again and again, over and over, to the point where Fanny told me to just rape him. I tried that too, and now he doesn’t even want to see me.

And it’s completely beyond me at this point! I have absolutely no idea what he needs in order for us to have sex! He told me he loved me, that I was beautiful. I blushed at this, he told me he really meant it too. But then he started uttering something smutty like dating and then marriage!

Marriage! A promise to live together for always? My Fordship, what an awful idea! Everyone one belongs to everyone else, first of all, and secondly, I enjoy sex with others. I could never reject sex with Henry, and imagine having to deny the Arch-Community-Songster! Having sex with the Director is standard as well.. In fact, Everyone one belongs to everyone else. That is that. Marriage? Preposterous. Smutty. It seems just like the barbarians on the Reservation.

But how can I convince John that it’s just his imagination? Our role to the community is more important than bonding between two people. Marriage could only harm our society and us. But he’s so convinced of his own ways! Just like Bernard. They both stick out in that way. Denying sex? Denying soma? Denying civilization? For Ford’s sake, why!

I got Bernard to have sex with me after giving him soma.. Perhaps this would appease John as well. But he refuses it so harshly. And now he’s on some abandoned reservation to live out a barbaric life like those primates from his Reservation. But why? It’s obvious to all of us he is suffering. Why, his movie is a blockbuster! If I didn’t know him, I’d laugh along and call it merry to come watch and have game with him.

But he’s suffering. He’s confused with all those knots and vacuums and “Shakespeare.” For his Ford’s sake, who is that? What does any of that have to do with having sex? He’s always leading the topic astray, and I just want to tell him to shut up! But none of that matters anymore. He’s alone and hurting himself to be…what. Happy? No, it’s clear as day he’s suffering! What does he want, what does he need?

But it’s not just him, I know. Something has changed in me, and I know it. The prolonged period without sex for the sake of courting him into bed. The tightness in my chest, the overhanging that seems to cloud my head when he rejects me. My quickening pulse when I see his face, and the flush of heat that flows into me after.

There’s something new about it. I know. There’s just…a different feeling now that I see him like this. The prickling in my chest is sharper now as I watch him like this, suffering and humiliated. I have to press my hand over it to alleviate the throbbing. It hurts to breathe and my lip is quivering without end. I don’t understand. Warm liquid stings my eyes and drips down my cheeks. What is this?

I don’t know, but--

I don’t want to see John like this. I think I--

Works Cited
Huxley, Aldous. Brave New World. New York: Harper & Bros., 1946. PDF.